In my line of work people often don’t come in until they full of whatever angst life has thrown at them. Since I work with sexual assault victims, this can mean that they have been dealing with this life changing event for a while, and they cannot contain it any longer.
They have had enough.
Enough of feeling bad.
Enough of feeling guilty.
Enough of it all.
I have discovered that I can empathize with this right now in my life.
Enough is the word I chose for my year. When I chose this, I thought I understood what this would mean for me. Apparently I was wrong.
For the past four months, my life has spiraled into chaos. This chaos that I cannot control, which is probably the definition of chaos, culminating in my brother’s passing has overtaken everything. I am full.
The feelings that have been overwhelming me are now at a breaking point. I have had enough.
I have a full belly of all these feelings and darkness. It’s time for a change.
I’m not sure what that means for me but to just recognize that I’ve had enough is a big step.
Having had enough, I realize it is time for healing. As someone who deals with healing others heal, this should be easy.
At this moment, I am just like anyone else who has had bad things happen to them. All of my education, training and experience get me exactly nowhere.
I have to remember what I tell the people I work with:
Be gentle with yourself.
Take baby steps.
Do the next thing. If that is making lunch or changing the baby, that is what you do.
Take care of yourself. Go to sleep or find a place to rest, eat something that isn’t too unhealthy for you and stop putting pressure on yourself to be normal.
Get outside. Sunshine is a natural antidepressant and can help you feel better along with the sunshine.
Breathe. In yoga, it is taught that 18 full body breaths are cleansing. We often don’t take deep breaths. Stopping every so often to breathe deeply is part of the healing process.
I have to remind myself that healing happens in its own time. Healing can and will happen, and I just need to be patient.
Unfortunately, I’m not very patient and am quite hard on myself.
I didn’t ask for this, but I am responsible for taking care of myself. I am responsible for my healing.
Asking for help is often a good idea, but this is my work, my life. I have to do the action steps.
Even if the action step is to take a nap.
The full belly syndrome is a catalyst for healing.
I’ve had enough. It’s time to breathe and heal.